but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
