i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
