Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
