If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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