What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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