i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
