i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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