im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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