I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
