Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
