when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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