If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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