if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
