My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i came on her dog
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
