I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
