We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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