So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
