well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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