i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
