So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
