my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
