No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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