Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
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