Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
