Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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