When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
