Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
