My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
