i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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