I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
