new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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