We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
