You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
