I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
