sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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