I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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