i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
