You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
I could make wine with my vomit
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.