from now on my penis is your penis
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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