He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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