I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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