I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
