just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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