walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I would fuck him just for his dog
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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