i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
