Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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