I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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