I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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