I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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