were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
