Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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