Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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