Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
