Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
