New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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