I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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