I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
