Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize