i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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