i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
