I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
